You are a married woman, but you are not your husband’s first choice

It is a sad reality, but the reality of today’s marriage(btw 80-90 percent) are marriages where either partner has settled for the other partner. This does not mean, this marriages can not last or are not fullfilling, but often it is a marriage based in practicality and may lack passion either party may desire.

My focus today is if you are not your husband’s first choice in a wife, and how to navigate in such a reality where your husband does not see you as his soulmate and unicorn, but a woman he may love, but settled for.

The first thing is you are not alone. While marriage may be about love or connection, there is also a negotiation factor to marriage, in particular when men make the decision to propose marriage to a particular woman. Most men would want to end up to the woman of their dreams, however most men may not end up with that woman, depending on the their ability to draw that woman or win the affections of that woman. So for men, who are generally the deciders of relationships, they choose to settle for a woman they could win over given their position in life. When I say the man’s poistion in life I mean the man’s economic status, looks, social status in comparison to other men who are also vying for attention of any woman.

Knowing that men may settle for a woman is important because as women the closer you are to a man’s ideal of his dream woman, the better treatment you receive as his wife in the context of marriage. This is just a basic mathematical formula the closer you to man’s dream girl, the more of his resources and energy he will give you in the context of marriage which means financial, physical, emotional, and mental. This why women experience of marriage exists on a spectrum. There are women in marriages who receive little or nothing of their men’s resources or energy, since he doesn’t preceive you has a unicorn, but a woman he may be able to extract resources from or keep his resources until he meets his unicorn. On the other hand, a wife who is preceived as a unicorn would be given all his resources and energy. This is done by men on a conscious or unconscious level.

Let me show you what a woman looks like in unicorn treatment relationship and then we can go from there:

A married unicorn relationship:

  1. Financially provided for- You will be a stay at home wife or mother. If you choose to work, the work you do will be about exploring your hobbies, the man is the full financial provider. You will have access to nannies and maids, anything to make your life easier, because this man does not want to see you suffer financially in anyway.
  2. Physical provided for- The man hasn’t lost his sexual desire for you. This means regular sex to the satisfaction of both parties. He touches you, and you can see him staring at you from afar. He thinks you are the most beautiful woman and does not have sexual desire for other women. This type of man doesn’t have the desire to cheat with other woman.
  3. Emotional provided for- This man makes sure he is emotional vulnerable to you, as well as he wants to meet your emotional desire. He doesn’t want to see you suffer, and makes your emotional satisfication come before anyone else including himself.
  4. Mental provided for- This man likes to talk to you, engage with you and have fun with you. You are his best friend. He wants to get feedback on your thoughts about things he is thinking about, and things he wants to engage in.

As a wife if you see some elements in relationships as a unicorn status, but some elements are missing, you may fit in somewhere on the spectrum, it may not be at the absolute bottom, but you are still not getting all his resources and energy this man is capable of because in his mind he settled for the best he can get even though you are not what he would have wanted if he was the best version of what he sees as a man should be.

Knowing this reality how do you you navigate your marriage and how do you extract the best version of your man, or do you just end your marriage. The answer is simply is be logically and weigh your options and ask yourself is what you have been offered by your husband to the best situation for yourself, or can you improve your situation by improving your social marketability.

Let me start with a scenario, we have a married mother of two. She works fulltime and so does her husband. Her huband earns 60,000 per year, and she earns 40,000 per year. The children are school age 7 and 9. Both of their incomes allow for them to own their home and take a vacation each year. The family has access to medical and dental insurance and the children are well taken off. The wife is the primary home taker, her services accounts for about 70 percent of the home care. The wife takes care of most of cleaning and home chores, they have no nannies or maids, and the woman is often tired and slightly overweight. This a generally a good marriage, neither partner has cheated, both are sometimes too emotionally and mentally tired to have sex. They are lucky if the they can have sex twice a month. While this is normal marriage and happy marriage, it will fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of an ideal situation for a woman and the question becomes what does this situation mean for the woman in this situation.

For me I would ask whether she happy with the sex life? whether she okay having two roles as a financial provider and full time care giver (is she overworked)? does she like being slightly overweight (does she want more time to herself to exercise, engage in her hobbies)? This is when as a woman you come to the realization of you social marketability, meaning the best you could get for yourself (given your looks,your age, your fertility, your youth and your social status) is man that can not or has choosen not to give you the unicorn status. The question is, are you happy enough in your marriage to come to acceptance of your social marketablity and what you can get from any man or can you upgrade your social marketability and extract more resources or energy from husband or upgrade your social marketabilty and find a better suitor for yourself and children. My advice is to upgrade your social marketabilty (your looks e.g., weight lost, dressing better) and see if that would motivate your husband to increase his recources and energy towards you and the marriage and if that doesn’t work, try looking to see whether your increased social marketabilty would draw a better suitor. At this stage your husband has decided what you mean to him unless he comes to sudden realization to make you his unicorn, you must decide what you mean to yourself.

After being his girlfriend for more than 2 years and he still doesn’t want to make you his wife

So you have been his girlfriend for more than 2 years and you are wondering why he hasn’t married you? My simple answer is why did you even sign up to be his girlfriend in the first place? A woman should never commit to a man, who is not fully committed to her financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. A man who is fully committed to you will propose within six months and not sideline you as a girlfriend. A man that wants to be your boyfriend, just wants you to stick around until he realizes or doesn’t realize that you are the one he wants to commit to for the rest of his life or if no one better comes along. Basically a girlfriend is a sitting duck waiting for a man to pass judgement on the status of the relationship while you are being used for his sexual pleasure.

My personal analysis is a man should show you that within 3-6 months that you are his unicorn, and wants to marry you, don’t subject yourself to being his girlfriend and walk away and don’t commit yourself to stupidity. It doesn’t take a man longer than 6 months to propose and commit fully to you. And let me say there are situations that a man will decide to marry a woman after making her his girlfriend, but usually there will be an uphill battle for a man to decide to propose and you will need to settle for being a “wifey”. Meaning that you will never have a man that is fully committed to you financially, emotionally, mentally and physically even when he has made you his wife for the rest of your lives together. And my question is, why accept that? But that said lets look at how you can get a man to marry you, when he has made you his girlfriend?

The girlfriend title is not equal in its meaning in all relationships What makes them the same is that a man is not yet ready to propose for a variety of reasons. A girlfriend label exists on a spectrum where a man can just be using a woman for his sexual pleasure, or the highest level where a man feels that he would want to marry this woman but wants to wait a little longer to make such a committment. You would need to figure out where you belong on this spectrum before you begin your journey to become a wife after being labelled a girlfriend. The five questions you need you need to to ask yourself to make that assessment is :

  1. how much of his money is he willing to spend on me, on dates, for your needs and to make sure I feel protected, loved and secure
  2. how much time does he have for me or how much time is he willing to make for me
  3. how much of himself does he share of with me, his dreams and goals and how much time does he invests he getting to know me
  4. how much do we have in common and do we enjoy being around each other
  5. have i met the closet people to him, his friends, and family and they know about me.

If you have positive responses to the questions, the higher you are on the spectrum of becoming his wife and the less work you have to put in, the more negative you have to the responses, the more work you need to put in and chances are you are being used as entertainment before he finds his unicorn.

-After figuring out where you are on the spectrum, have a frank discussion with him. Be open to get your feelings hurt. but do ask him where he sees you in his future. From this discussion you get a better understanding of what needs to be done inorder for you to become his wife. For you to become his wife, all the five signs of wife material that I listed above needs to be present, and whatever is missing you need to bring it in him, for him to make you his wife.

But as i said from the very beginning, no one is ever worth the trouble of making him desire to marry you. If the man hasn’t prosposed to you within the six months, cut your loses and walk away, he will then come to the realization or not whether you are his unicorn. That is why it is very important to always match a man and his feelings, don’t give him more than you are receiving from him, and unless he signals to you that you his unicorn, please don’t get into a sexually committed relationship with him.

How to get a guy to commit to you after getting into a “friends with benefits” dynamics

You are a stuck in a friends with benefits dynamic. He doesn’t want commitment, but wants to have a sexual relationship with you. He spends little or no money to have sexual access to you. Can you turn this situation around? The answer is there is a 10 percent or less possibility for you to turn the situation around, and it will cost you, your energy, time and self-esteem. The question is, is turning the situation around worth it?

When a guy views you as “a friends with benefit” he has placed you at the level 4 (for further discussion of the levels go to previous articles). In his mind he is sexually attracted to you, but he doesn’t want you to be the public face of the girl he likes/loves to the rest of the world. He doesn’t feel you deserve for others close to him to preceive you as an important person in his life, so he has reduced you to a mere sexual object that does not deserve his resources. Knowing this has your starting point, do you want to really change his preception of yourself or do you to put yourself in a better situation with a man that views you in a better light.

This are the steps to take to turn the situation around :

  1. Acknowledge the positon you find yourself in, his view of you and realize that this is an uphill battle that involves you removing your emotional responses and thinking logically at most times.

2. To move to the next level of 5(girlfriend material) would require he spends more money on you and introduces you to his family and close friends as his girlfriend. The three questions you need to ask yourself now what is missing for him to preceive you as “girlfiend with benefits”. Do you guys have anyting in common mentally or emotionally, his he ready for an emotional connection with you, and are you his prototype for what his he preceives to be long term?

3. Once you figured out what is stopping him from connecting to you emotionally/mentally, use that to your advantage in connecting to him.

4. Starting now, create an intial 3 month plan. For the first three months continue as you been doing, let him intiate all contact. Let him choose when, where and what you do when you meet up. You are the silent partner, and you are there to meet his needs in these three months. The only thing you do at this stage is to allow him to initiate contact with you, apart from that don’t get emotional about anything. If he doesn’t contact you, and if he doesn’t seem to care about you. The only two things to remember to do at this stage is always go “dutch” if you guys go outside unless he volunteers to pay, but never pay for him and also remember to let him initiate all contact.

5. After 3 months, if you see an improvement in your situation and he is still initiating all contact with you, move to the next of forming an emotional/mental bond with him. When he is in relaxed state (preferably after a sexual contact), ask him about himself. The next three months, get him to get emotional dependent on you by concentrating on him and his emotions. Your emotions doesn’t matter at this stage, but his emotions matter. Do this stage for three months, and continue to make him initiate all contact.

6. After three months, and you see that he is more emotionally bonded to you, start making a little more demands. Restrict the time you meet up with you to just two days of week (just Saturday or Sunday). If he wants to see you he needs to pick a weekend to see. This forces him to give you his weekend. If he complies, you have gained a little control. If he doesn’t comply there is no way to change his mind move on at this point. But if he complies for at least 3 months move on to the next step.

7. The next step involves you positioning yourself to meet his friends and family. Maybe ask him to go to family or close friend events to see how he reacts, put to him as a proposition, and whatever his reaction is, allow him to have it without you reacting. Give him three months to intiate asking you to meet his family or friends after the proposition and still let him initiate all contact and limit the times he sees you to the weekend. If this introduction to this side of personal life is successful, you are now at the level 5 of being his girlfriend.

When you are a booty call girl or hook girl for the man you love, how do you turn this around?

I hear this question all the time. How can i change my status as a booty call girl/hook up girl to become a man’s girlfriend or wife? If you are asking this question, you have already lost in the game of love, and you have lost your self-esteem and self-respect. But let me entertain this question by providing you with a more logical response.

I have identified 7 levels a man places any woman he encounters in his life. To get a better explaination of each level, refer to my previous written article “ladies if you are not a man’s unicorn, avoid any type of sexual relationship with him” The levels I have identified are

-level 1-“everyday woman”

-level 2-“just friends, really just friends”

-level 3-“hook up girl/booty call girl”

-level 4-“friends with benefit”

-level 5-“girlfriend/mistress”

-level 6-“wifey”

-level 7-“unicorn”

So you are level 3 as a hook up/booty call girl. The girl he calls last minute over to his place, gives her a slice of pizza and then “netflix and chill.” Most of the time, the initial level a man places you, you are doomed to stay, and it takes a man just minutes for a man to make an impression of what he feels about what level you belong to. To be exact, 90 percent of time you are going to stay at that level or get demoted to a lower level. However the chance of you being promoted to the next level is about 10 percent, and if you want to move to the next level and the next level, your chances become lower and lower.

This being said, it means the work and effort to move up a guys level of placement will have you going crazy, losing your feminity, losing yourself and settling for less. Is this worth it? For a 10 percent chance or even less, is it really worth it? Is any man or woman or anyone worth that much grief and your piece of mind.

So my general advice will be to walk away, with a white flag of surrender and wait for that man that will see you as his level 7(the unicorn) from the star. What may be another man trash would be another man’s treasure. Use that energy and effort to better yourself and elevate your status to get a better chance of finding a more suitable match.

But i know how most women think and I will entertain you with the 10 percent scenerio where you fight to gain a higher status with this particular man. The do’s of how to turn yourself from hook up girl/booty call girl to a girlfriend or wife.

  1. The first thing is to accept your condition as a hook up girl/booty call girl. nothing more, nothing less. If you are an idealist, become practical minded and just see situation as what it is, a man that wants sexual access to woman with very little or even no resource spent to get that sexual access. No argument of any type about the nature of the relationship should occur. When he calls you show up and be that perfect booty call girl. Learn good sexual techinques and give him the best sexual experience of his life. You are not here to change his mind.
  2. After a establishing a routine as a booty call girl for awhile, maybe a month. At this point he gets all his needs met start introducing converstaion into the mix. The converstaion should be about him, everyting about him. His day, his dreams-a guy that would want a booty girl girl, is a guy that likes himself so he wouldn’t mind talking about himself. But at this stage, it all about him, don’t talk about yourself, unless he asks and keep it short and sweet and always refocus the topic back to him.
  3. After another one month of being that perfect booty call girl, it is time to switch the nature of the relationship a little. Limit the time to when you are available for the booty call, make it two days out of the week, be very mindful and pick one weekend day and week day. For example I would pick Wednesday and Sunday, and tell him that only those days that you can quarantee that you will be available for sexual relationship. Be very stern on this, he calls on tuesday for booty, just indicate that you are available on Wednesday and Sunday. He may bulk or bark, but this when when the transition would happen and this is when you will know that you have put in a good effort and whether he proceeds or not, the ball is now in his corner. You haave given him the sexual experience of his life and he may ghost you, but stick to that plan of Wednesday or Sunday or nada.
  4. If he decides to proceeds, you have gained a little more control of the situation, now it is time to be a little more demanding of his resource and time. Ask him for take you for some lingerie shopping so he can pick out what type of lingerie he wants to see you in. Don’t pressure him, and give him time to make a decision. Still have the sexual relationship when he calls you within those given days only and be your great sexual self and bring lingerie books/catalogs once in a while and read those books infront of him without saying anything. If he agrees to this proposal, you have actually moved from “booty call girl” to “friends with benefit” You have taken this man out of the just the bedroom fun to shopping outside the bedroom. Next article will examine how to move from the “friends with benefits” to “girl friend”

So with this scenerio and with everything going well, it took three months to move to just level 4 “friends with benefits”. All that time, you could have been doing your nails, going to the gym and setting yourself for a better Prince Charming. But to each its own, see you in the next article.

Ladies, if you are not a man’s unicorn; avoid any type of sexual relationship with him

What does it mean to be a unicorn? A rarity, a treasure, and someone a person will invest his resources to capture or to have.

I look at youtube, the internet in general and dating/coaching books telling women how to motivate or sway a man into wanting you. This is a misguided view among many dating coaches that changing a women’s behavior/looks will then alter a paticular man’s view of that woman and his desire for her. Often I look at these dating coaches as slick oil sales people, knowing that they are selling pipe dreams to desperate women who have been sold on fairy tales and feel a sense of despair and blame for not being able to secure a “prince charming” of their own. It is never a women’s job to secure a man. It her job to take care of herself and then the man that is meant for her will be drawn to her.

My background is in social psychology. I have formally and informally studied the psychology of men. Human beings are animals, we may have evolved brains, but at the heart of it all we are still swayed by our biology. Our basic instincts can be controlled to certain levels, but our primitive brain can be triggered at any moment when we come across circumstance that may mean our life or death. The art of sexual conquest or mating invokes that part of brain because it is a matter of life or death. This is why it is important that a women does not sleep or have a sexual relationship with a man that hasn’t choosen her because he doesn’t see her as his unicorn, the one that will perserve his life.

Men are natural born hunters. Their role in human society is to obtain the resources needed for his survival and the survival of the woman he chooses. This instinct is so biologically programmed to the extent that when he encounters a female member of the spiecies he will make a quick visual assessment to whether that member of the female species is the woman that would enable him to perserve his life and for this woman he will bestow his resources. A sort of trade of, A man bascially says, “you give me life or the promise of survival and i will give you my resources for you to do so”. It takes a minutes or sometimes mere seconds for a man to categorize a woman he comes into visual contact with, and this is inbedded deep down in his brain. So after this initial assessment, it is 95 percent of time that the man’s view of the woman will never change if the woman is deemed as as a unicorn. It is likely to get demoted if circumstances presents itself that makes the woman an unfit candidate, however it very unlikely for the women to be promoted to a highest status of unicorn if that assessment was not made during that intial encounter. So you get what I am trying to say, if you are never seen as a unicorn intitially you will never be a unicorn, no matter what you do, you could fight to get acceptance to be something that mimics a unicorn or one of the other categories that the a man will place you into, but you will never be that woman he bestows all his resources to. So here is the breakdown of why you should never give your most precious gift of yourself to a man who would not provide you with all his resources.

It gets a little a confusing for most women, because a man doesn’t only make an assessment for unicorns, but also differents categories a woman may mean to him. Here are the 7 categories a woman may be placed into. We will explore the categories in depth in the next article, but here is the brief breakdown of the 7 categories or levels a woman will be placed into:

level1-“everyday woman”- majority of woman, a man encounters, will fit into this category. at this level you are indifferent to the man. The man will not spend any resource on you to gain your attention. You mean nothing to him. Will a man accept sex from you if you were to walk up to him and offer it? funny enough yes, depending on the risk involved, he just will not spend anything to elicit or obtain sex from you though, unless he desires sex and you are a sex provider by trade.

level 2-“just friends, really just friends”- a minority of woman will fit this category. You match the mental and emotional needs of the man, but the man doesn’t have or has lost his physical or sexual attraction towards you. Will a man accept sex from you, yes if he really gets drank and of course he will not spend any of resources to obtain this sex.

level 3-“booty call or hook up girl”-a minority of woman fit into this category. You match a man’s sexual and physical needs and nothing more. He will do little or try to do nothing to obtain sex from you. Like calling you on a thursday night to come to his place, eat a slice of pizza and have sex. Little spent to obtain you most precious natural resource.

level 4- “friends with benefit”- a promoted booty call or hook up girl. At this point the man realizes he will not obtain sex without inputting a certain amount of resource. If he wants that sexual gratification he needs to fake a semi relationship. In this scenerio, he will spend as little time, money or energy in order to get sexual access to you. He is not interested in maintaining any type of relationship, but just doing what he can to have ongoing sex with until he gets bored or find another source of sexual conquest. It is very easy to identify, if you are in this scenerio, because the man let you know. Please walk away from this scenerio, you are lying to yourself if you think this scenerio presents a better opporturnity for you, because it will damage your self esteem and self worth, not matter the outcome.

level 5-“girlfiiend” -Upon initial contact with a man, he should propose marriage within 3-6 months. If he doesn’t you will fall into the category of girlfriend. The only difference between “girlfriend” and “friends with benefits”, is you will have the benefit of being introduced to family and friends. There is increased access to a man’s resources and the man will take you outside more on dates rather than “netflix and chill” much of the time. The girlfriend maybe a setup for the next level of attainment known as “wifey” only if the guy does not find a better target of his affection or doesn’t get tired of you. Basically the girlfriend is whatever the guy desires from you, until he ready to make his decision about whether to move you to another category or you are a place holder until he finds his unicorn or gets bored.

level 6-“wifey”- the wifey is a complicated category. Like all the previous category, there is a lower end going all the way to higher end. To simple state, the wifey category exists on a bell curve where you do not want to placed on the lowest end, and the highest end receives some elements of the “unicorn treatment”. What is common among the women in the “wifey” category is the man has choosen to marry the woman (he is presenting this woman to the world as his wife). But there is disparity in this group. There is the “wifey” that receives nothing from the man but the label of being a wife. She works three jobs, takes care of the children, is subject to some form of abuse, and the man has been basically been unemployed for as long as they have been married. On the other end, there are women on the higher end, who maybe a stay at home mother and is well provided for and appears to have a “unicorn status”. If you are pragmatic or practical woman, the wifey category may be quite acceptable especially if you are on the higher end of the spectrum. The marriage in many cases do last if either the husband or wife is not idealist in nature. The”wifey” model comprices about 90-95 percent of marriages today. The wife may soon get tired of being with a man that lacks passion for her, and the husband may find someone that elicits in him feelings of passion and the desire to spend all his resource.

level 7- “the unicorn,” most women would want to be choosen as the unicorn to the man. This is very rare. The estimate would be 5-10 percent would ever experience the level of unicorness to their man in a context of marriage. This is when within minutes or even seconds the man has choosen to see you as the woman they would want to spend the rest of their lives with. Within 3-6 months the man is often proposing to the you. To make it clear, it is not the shady situations where con artists con women by pretending that there are their “unicorns.” and get them to spend money on them. In this situation, you have elicited in him, the desire to give all his life, liberty and freedom in order for you to be happy. This is the greatest sacrifice a man can give to a woman. The women in this situation are allowed to rest in their feminity with no worries about what their men are doing. The man ceases to notice other women around him, and his concentration is always on what would be the greatest ease and happiest for the woman in his life. In the next articles I will explore further the notion of what it means for a woman to be in each level, and can a woman really alter the view a man has of her.

Saying goodbye to Granville Island and hello to Main Street

Next week we will start to explore Vancouver’s main st. Since this is a large area of Vancouver to cover, we will look at Main Street starting from Broadway to King Edward. There is alot of surprises in store for you at this youthful, vibrant section of Vancouver. The more you embrace the youthful culture of Vancouver, the more you enjoy this area of Vancouver. So lets say goodbye to Granville Island with the last remaining photos: