You are a stuck in a friends with benefits dynamic. He doesn’t want commitment, but wants to have a sexual relationship with you. He spends little or no money to have sexual access to you. Can you turn this situation around? The answer is there is a 10 percent or less possibility for you to turn the situation around, and it will cost you, your energy, time and self-esteem. The question is, is turning the situation around worth it?
When a guy views you as “a friends with benefit” he has placed you at the level 4 (for further discussion of the levels go to previous articles). In his mind he is sexually attracted to you, but he doesn’t want you to be the public face of the girl he likes/loves to the rest of the world. He doesn’t feel you deserve for others close to him to preceive you as an important person in his life, so he has reduced you to a mere sexual object that does not deserve his resources. Knowing this has your starting point, do you want to really change his preception of yourself or do you to put yourself in a better situation with a man that views you in a better light.
This are the steps to take to turn the situation around :
- Acknowledge the positon you find yourself in, his view of you and realize that this is an uphill battle that involves you removing your emotional responses and thinking logically at most times.
2. To move to the next level of 5(girlfriend material) would require he spends more money on you and introduces you to his family and close friends as his girlfriend. The three questions you need to ask yourself now what is missing for him to preceive you as “girlfiend with benefits”. Do you guys have anyting in common mentally or emotionally, his he ready for an emotional connection with you, and are you his prototype for what his he preceives to be long term?
3. Once you figured out what is stopping him from connecting to you emotionally/mentally, use that to your advantage in connecting to him.
4. Starting now, create an intial 3 month plan. For the first three months continue as you been doing, let him intiate all contact. Let him choose when, where and what you do when you meet up. You are the silent partner, and you are there to meet his needs in these three months. The only thing you do at this stage is to allow him to initiate contact with you, apart from that don’t get emotional about anything. If he doesn’t contact you, and if he doesn’t seem to care about you. The only two things to remember to do at this stage is always go “dutch” if you guys go outside unless he volunteers to pay, but never pay for him and also remember to let him initiate all contact.
5. After 3 months, if you see an improvement in your situation and he is still initiating all contact with you, move to the next of forming an emotional/mental bond with him. When he is in relaxed state (preferably after a sexual contact), ask him about himself. The next three months, get him to get emotional dependent on you by concentrating on him and his emotions. Your emotions doesn’t matter at this stage, but his emotions matter. Do this stage for three months, and continue to make him initiate all contact.
6. After three months, and you see that he is more emotionally bonded to you, start making a little more demands. Restrict the time you meet up with you to just two days of week (just Saturday or Sunday). If he wants to see you he needs to pick a weekend to see. This forces him to give you his weekend. If he complies, you have gained a little control. If he doesn’t comply there is no way to change his mind move on at this point. But if he complies for at least 3 months move on to the next step.
7. The next step involves you positioning yourself to meet his friends and family. Maybe ask him to go to family or close friend events to see how he reacts, put to him as a proposition, and whatever his reaction is, allow him to have it without you reacting. Give him three months to intiate asking you to meet his family or friends after the proposition and still let him initiate all contact and limit the times he sees you to the weekend. If this introduction to this side of personal life is successful, you are now at the level 5 of being his girlfriend.